Cut to ribbons tonight by a memory maintained and a thank you I didn't expect.

Let me explain how my second child, the one I've had more trouble relating to if I am perfectly honest, amazes me more by the day with his kindness and growth. He is coming out of his brothers shadow.

Our oldest is a bit of a dream older brother. Helpful to a fault, he always watches the way his friends interact am his little brother to make sure he's included. Youngest notices this and just acts like one of the gang even tho he's 3-4 years younger in some groups.

His brother casts a big shadow. He's an incredibly kind, empathetic young man who strangers compliment on his manners enough to make you glow. Gman, our youngest, looks up to but is often overwhelmed by trying to emulate his brother. M gets praise.. a lot. While Gman stumbles. (though aside, it's hilarious how when M is having a rough day behaving that Gman picks up on it instantly is an uber angel to try and trump him. They both do it to each other when they detect the other being "grumpy" and it's hilarious and transparent)

It's not his fault. He's just not as old as everyone else and so still deals w. the emotional whims of being a kindergartner. But because his brother treats him as an equal, he views himself that way and is very hard on himself for falling short no matter the task.

This drives him to be a bit obsessive with odd things, mind wandering, and then always being upset he's not perfect . Or to use his shattering phrase from a year ago "I'll never be perfect like M". A crippling thought from a 5 y.o. recognizing his brothers accolades early

This often has lead Gman to get quickly frustrated with sports, certain school things, video games, anything his brother makes look easy because of well... 3 years practice 😀. We had an incident with a new bike 3 weeks ago that changed things though I can tell.

While riding he kept stopping at times, overwhelmed by steering, keeping speed and not crashing even on a rather level path. He's improving though and so getting more upset when he still has issues at times. At one point he just got off the bike and walked away he was so mad and I was stern.

He doesn't respond well to being told he needs to keep trying or that he's making progress. At the end, he walked away from the bike and hid because he knew I was upset with him. I told him to get inside and his brother brought the bike around.

I found him upstairs crying because I yelled at him (again, his mind encouragement at times is getting yelled at because of how frustrated he gets about not being able to do whatever it is). I told him I wasn't mad because he had trouble, I was mad because he quit.

"You can make mistakes, but when we don't try is when we actually fail"

"You can make mistakes, but when we don't try is when we actually fail "

He got frustrated tonight playing football, again not as big or coordinated as the other kids because.. duh 🙃 little kid. He walked away pouting and I called him back over saying "What's the one thing we do to really get in trouble" . He stopped, got up, walked back over and grumbled "not trying our best" and came back over and put his hands out to catch the ball (under protest).

This time he let me show him the best way to catch the ball and in one try he caught it. His eyes lighting up, he did it himself, he could do this if he tried! Another 4 in a row this time from a friend or his brother. He could do it, slower than others, but he was learning and he could do it himself.

He'd miss a few and stop getting frustrated as much, asking for help or for someone to throw slower cause he was trying . I stopped playing and watched him be able to have fun as an equal, still with some help but believing he belonged.

At bed time as he was getting ready he got dressed and ran over to me saying "poppa thank you so much for teaching me" and gave me a big hug. "Your welcome Gman, How do we learn best and improve?"

"We try and don't give up" he said.

Even now it takes me off guard. Me, teacher

I am always overwhelmed when we connect, just us. His brother and I are extremely similar and he's always the one who I have to adjust my tone to make sure he's not frustrated and hears what I'm saying. He's scatterbrained, mind wandering always, a bit crazy, stubborn, erratic..

He's... me.

The part of me I have trouble controlling. The part that faces difficulties in the past and needed my parents to tell me to try and to keep going instead of letting my negativity get in the way. He's my little amazing guy who picks his mom flowers no matter where we are and dog piles ppl to get a laugh before bed.

He's amazing and I am a better person because of his kindness, and mirror of the more difficult parts of me that I have to face and work through. He grows in 6 month intervals over night with inflection point moments like these because he's not actually lost, he's just trying to find his way through the noise, of which if there's a lot he gets overwhelmed and shuts down....like me..

He has an audiophonic memory like I once had, which means he's probably got partially photographic memory (as I also used to have). He forgets names immediately and gets angry when people knock his hand writing. He is my son, and I'm incredibly proud of who he's growing into each day.

I can't wait to play catch going forward. Who knows what we'll really learn together in the process. The best learning happens when I ignore the screens and notification lights of this world trying to pull my back into the abyss of my own mind. Make sure you do too.

My visions of the future drown out the most important things at times. They are the clarity through that sound that often overwhelms and consumes my attention. I've missed too many of these moments, and I'm working harder to ensure I won't keep missing them.