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From: gkm@petting-zoo.net (glen mccready)
To: 0xdeadbeef@petting-zoo.net
Cc: bostic@bostic.com
Subject: The Beer Scooter
Date: Sun, 18 Aug 2002 15:18:04 -0700
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[I'm sure somebody will tell me about the original source; it's in a
number of places on the web. -gkm]

Forwarded-by: Colin Burgess <cburgess@qnx.com>

The Beer Scooter 

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home? As hard as you
try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to
your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer
Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased
to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched
out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman Pantheon and
has bought a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter
works in the following fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the
"slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of
his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a
winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits
them in their bedroom via the Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is
not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket
cash is taken as payment.

This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend
so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are
thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified
Drinking Injuries).  An undocumented feature of the beer scooter
is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of
Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly
unaccounted for.

This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell
happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of
Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes,
in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately
one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and
quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of
time. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often
cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending
the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.
With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in
a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and
pizza crusts.

Another question answered!! For the family man, Beer Scooters come
equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and
Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in
such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs,
you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity
springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the
CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised
shins. The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some
scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how
one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a
single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably
get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a
T-shirt.


